‘What was once fear, is now anger’
By Susan Tocher
No woman wants to have an abortion. Ever.
But there are a number of reasons why she might find herself facing this choice. For me it was at the age of 20. I was a sheltered college girl, far away from home and family with a deep, deep secret. There was no way I could tell anyone about my “disgrace.” I faced this life-changing decision alone.
My entire life was ahead of me and having a child at that point was a trajectory I could not envision and for which I was not prepared. If you are reading this you will understand, as this is a choice women of every age, race, ethnicity, marital status or nationality have faced for time immemorial. A child should be a blessing, not an unbearable burden. Birthing a life is an unimaginable responsibility. You also know the ultimate responsibility of a child always falls on the mother, from sun-up to sun-down, every day, every minute, from birth to your death; throughout your entire life.
1968 was before Roe, and all abortions were illegal. I, alone, faced that decision and chose to terminate the pregnancy.
That April, my friend found a “doctor” in Chicago , and we set off, right before spring break, for one of the most traumatic events in my life. As many women say, to this day I remember most everything in startling clarity, especially the fear. What would happen to the fetus, would I live, would it hurt, would it work, could I tell anyone, how could I hide it, would I ever be able to have children again….on and on the fear grew throughout my body.
It was clear from the start that the doctor was nuts. In his office one entire wall was covered with mirror. There were chairs for both me and my friend. I faced the doctor and he faced the mirror and began rambling on and on and on. All I remember was my fear growing greater and greater. How could I let this nut case touch the most private part of my body? I had no idea what he was talking about. Three hours later he finally he examined me. Rather than do the procedure immediately, after all these hours of fear and anticipation, he packed me with a sterilized rubber hose, and sent me back to the motel. I was to call him when I started bleeding and return to his office. Fear, uncertainty, fear…I had no idea what to expect next. I don’t remember it hurting much – which was a blessing.
What seemed like hours later, suddenly I looked down on the bed where I was sitting and it was covered with blood. Not a little, but a huge amount of red blood. I ran to the bathroom and big clots and blood poured out. The bleeding got worse and worse.
Of course, I imagined every clot as the baby. I was totally terrified as the bleeding wouldn’t stop. I called the doctor and he sent me to Cook County Hospital in downtown Chicago. Martin Luther King had been assassinated on Tuesday of that week. This was Friday and due to riots throughout the country, including Chicago, there were armed National Guardsmen and battle tanks at every intersection. The situation greatly exacerbated the fear that had not left my body and soul. Towels on the seat could not absorb all of the blood. It just kept coming. We reached the ER safely, and I was rushed upstairs for a D & C. I woke up the next morning and it was over. I was alive.
Listen as Susan Tocher talks about her experience in this ad.
Because it was spring break I flew home. My mother said I cried and cried the entire week and I wouldn’t tell her what had happened. I did finally tell her before she died. It turned out that both she and her best friend had also had illegal abortions because they each had three children in five years and couldn’t cope with more.
The shock of Roe being overturned forced me to face what had happened and make it public. I could no longer be silent. Another friend worked on the re-election campaign for Michael Bennet, US Senator from Colordo, and asked that I participate by making a political ad supporting women’s reproductive rights and his campaign.
I agreed and In the process I have re-lived the experience, the fear, and the consequences of keeping a long held and deep secret. The enormous support from friends, relatives, family, and strangers has helped me, and them (who shared their stories with me) process the trauma. Because of the political climate this surfaces every day, I am very grateful for the support.
My fear is now anger and more anger. Who has the right to tell me what I can do with my body? Who has the right to take away my choice? Your choice? Where is the outrage?